QUIZ: Are you stuck in splitsville?
TOPIC
Relate better
"Like all losses, people who go through a divorce go through a grieving process," says Sharon Shenker, therapeutic Family and Relationship Coach. "Unfortunately, some men and women are either stuck in the process or think they have moved on but really haven’t. And when that happens, it’s difficult to thrive after a divorce because they’re actually still just trying to survive it."
Try this 10-part quiz, developed by Sharon Shenker, to find out how far you've come or if you have some post-divorce work to do. For each question, choose an answer that best describes your situation or how you're feeling. Once completed, review your mini-evaluation for insights on where you are in the process and what you can do to go from a divorce survivor to a divorce "thriver."
Just remember that there are no right or wrong answers.
| Life just isn’t the same without my partner. I feel like such a failure | |
| I feel concerned for the future but mostly excited about what the future holds as I achieve new goals. | |
| I feel like I’m bouncing around from doom and gloom to scared and anxious. But I’m occasionally excited. | |
| I’m a bit sad about what could or should have been but I’ve accepted that we’re divorced or about to be officially divorced. |
| I’ve discovered that since a relationship involves two people, the responsibility is 50/50. So, we are equally accountable for the break-up. | |
| Not a single thing. I did everything I could to get my partner to see that he/she needed professional help. | |
| I probably did a few things I should not have done, but when you’re with a partner like I had, it’s impossible not to do those things. | |
| I’m prepared to take 100% responsibility for the relationship because even though the relationship was a 50/50 partnership, I am accountable for 100% of my actions and reactions. |
| I try to keep an open mind to the fact that neither of us is perfect and we are both doing our best for our children. | |
| We differ so much in our points of view and parenting styles that it’s very difficult to have a conversation. But I’m open to keep trying. | |
| Having a conversation with my ex is impossible. And that’s the reality of our situation — not like all the other liars who say that they forgive and get along with their former partners and treat each other like "friends". | |
| In a word: useless! I hate my ex and always will. My ex ruined my life because of cheating/lying/stealing/... |
| I go out every Friday night and have a great time! I don’t think there’s time for much more than that when it comes to self-care. | |
| Self-care? You’ve got to be kidding me! Getting out of bed, dressing and eating is all I can do right now. | |
| My friends have mentioned self-care and I’m looking into it. I’m learning what self-care means, how it can help me and what I need to do. | |
| I’m not relying on anyone else to care for me, so I’m caring for myself and taking responsibility for my own health and personal growth. |
| Never. There’s nothing positive or nice to say. | |
| They haven’t yet but I’m working on it. I know it’s important to them. | |
| At least once a week — usually before they get picked up for a visit/when I pick them up for a visit. | |
| I do it all the time. After all, my former partner is their other parent. |
| I consider this break-up to be a failure on my part. I truly doubt that I have the ability to ever have a lasting relationship. | |
| I look forward to falling in love again. Only next time, it will be with someone I know better and we love each other the right way. | |
| Like the book says, “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” Obviously, men and women don’t belong together. | |
| I’m trying to learn my lessons from this divorce so that I’ll be able to create a better relationship next time around. |
| I think change happens in stages, so I’ve set new goals, made some accomplishments and look forward to many more. | |
| Everyone expects so much of me yet do nothing for me or I have to wait forever when I ask for something. I don’t have the opportunity to set new goals. | |
| I’ve started setting some goals but am still struggling to get the routine stuff under control. I’m sure I will soon though. | |
| I’m totally overwhelmed! New goals are not a priority and won’t be for quite some time. |
| I would love to try something but I have no idea where to find these services or who to call. | |
| Nothing is going to change the past so why bother? | |
| I don’t think they’re for me. I know a friend who tried getting outside help but it wasn’t worth for him/her. Actually, it didn’t change anything for them. | |
| I take advantage of every opportunity for personal growth. Learning my lessons, with outside help, really allows me to move forward. |
| A very scary idea. I don’t know if my heart can handle another disappointment. | |
| I certainly expect to fall madly in love one day. I have a list of the characteristics I’m looking for in a partner and look for “the one” everywhere I go. | |
| I’m excited about meeting new people now that I’ve reviewed my relationship history and I understand my wants and needs better. | |
| I believe in love but am not looking for it. If it’s meant to happen, love will find me and time will tell. |
| I’m so glad I’m doing well enough to give to others by volunteering/having honest conversations/acknowledging the success of others. | |
| I’ve been trying to come out of my shell and have been trying to catch up with friends and family. | |
| I’m focussing on myself right now and don’t have the time to dedicate time and energy to others. | |
| I avoid people and that means isolating myself. I have nothing to give. |
You’re done! Click on the “submit” button below to get your mini-evaluation.
It sounds as though you haven’t been able to deal with the sadness and anger that normally come with divorce. It could be that the split is fairly recent or it’s just taking you time to work through the hurt.
On the other hand, you may be stuck because you haven’t accepted responsibility for the break-up of your marriage. Sure, you may feel that you have every right to blame your ex, but unless you start to take responsibility for your part of the relationship, moving forward will be difficult — if not impossible.
While you may be adapting to a new routine, make time for yourself to learn more about the emotional side of divorce. Have an open and honest conversation with someone you trust, explore information on the Internet, join a support group or speak to your healthcare provider about recommending support services. You can also search the find support section for local agencies and organizations that help people work through divorce.
In the meantime, read The split decision for ideas on how to relieve the stress you are likely feeling.
Remember: you can do it!
As the saying goes, “You’ve come a long way, baby!” But you’re not quite where you want to be yet. Remember that there isn’t a time limit on how long you should take to work your way through the emotions that normally come with divorce. But if you’re feeling that you’ve made some progress but can’t seem to get to where you want to be, then you may need some help.
Think about the rest of your life. Do you want to start dating again some day? Maybe take classes or train for a different profession? Perhaps your goal is to reach the point where you can actually accept your ex for who they are and start to work at being better parents for your children? Whatever it is that you’re working toward, know that you can do it!
Continue to make time to learn more about the emotional side of divorce and consider learning from others who have successfully “been there, done that.” Explore information on the Internet, join a support group or speak to your healthcare provider about recommending support services to get you over the hump. You can also search the find support section for local agencies and organizations that help people work through divorce.
In the meantime, read The split decision for ideas on how to relieve the stress you are likely feeling.
Keep going — you’re almost there!
Congratulations! It sounds like you’ve worked through your divorce, or have cleared major hurdles in splitsville. Sure, it may have been tough at times, but you’ve come out of it with your head held high and your confidence intact.
If you have set goals for yourself, now is the time to fine-tune your plan for achieving them. Keep reviewing your goals to ensure you’re aimed in the direction you want to go. And then keep going. Empowerment is powerful! Just remember that the healing process is not a straight course; there may be occasional setbacks as you move from surviving, coping and accepting, all the way to thriving. Don’t take a setback as a failure; it’s just part of the normal process.
To keep yourself working toward your new and rewarding life, don’t feel as though you have to do it alone. Explore information on the Internet, join a support group or speak to your healthcare provider about recommending support services to put the finishing touches on your journey. You can also search the find support section for local agencies and organizations that help people work through divorce.
Best of luck!
smidge™ — Healthy habits start here! | Looking for a support group? Find support now
- Sharon Shenker, therapeutic family and relationship coach
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